Went recce today. It was kinda fun. Went to Jurong camp. Went to Boon lay interchange again. I had cotton candy. It was nice. Cotton candy is a happy food.

These are not my people. I want out. Sometimes i can forget about it all and i am at peace. But let's face it.

These aren't really the fabled long-lasting time-weathered friendships of old. Good for now, but in the long run, not so. And don't we all know it too.

There's a reason none of us ever organise outings. In the end we are colleagues-become-friends-become-colleagues. It sounds cruel, but ain't that the truth. That's what it seems to me anyway.

"And no matter. We spread the time as we can, but in the end the world takes it all back."

"Aye," she said. "So it does."

-Wolves of the Calla, Stephen King

Didn't do much today. Read. Nice cool weather. Going for recce tomorrow morning. Going to be busy. Need to be back for a briefing then help out with ippt later in the afternoon.

Life is like a 4 dimensional roller coaster ride. You go up and down, sometimes you swing from left to right, and other times you spiral down into another world entirely. Where do I get off?

Like the painting of a sorrow, a face without a heart.

-The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde

Well, today was much more eventful. Morning, went out with my mum and sis to have lunch. Practically lunch at 11 plus, because I always sleep in on weekends. =P It was quite a heavy lunch. At 1220, I went to return my library books and borrow the last two books of the Dark Tower series.

Then, took train to Dhoby where I met Ziliang and Anghong and we went to buy our khaki pants for ops.Wander around quite a bit, then got them from Carrefour. Too bad no one wants to standardise with us. =S After that, they had lunch at Yoshinoya (I was too full.) And we went to look at a coupla clothes. DIdn't get anything though. Went to Vivo.

Met with Shawn and YM. Walked around a bit, shopped, and I got a $30 tee from Pull and Bear. Considering the last stuff I bought was last month...I guess ok. The design is quite unique. A grid of like 20-30 trees, each of a different shape. After that had dinner at The Queen and Mangosteen. Fish and Chips. It was nicer than what was on the mains. Lol. Looking forward to next week, it's a short one! Free from Wed evening to Sat. Sun night might have a BBQ. Anyone wanna go out? Maybe I can get my phone repaired too.

'The fish is my friend too,' he said aloud. 'I have never seen or heard of such a fish. But I must kill him. I am glad we do not have to try to kill the stars.' Imagine if each day a man must try to kill the moon, he thought. The moon runs away. But imagine if a man each day should have to try to kill the sun? We were born lucky, he thought.

-The Old Man and the Sea, Ernest Hemingway

Went out today. My aunt took me and my sis out. No idea where though. Went to Sembawang park first. A nice quiet little enclave, been there once many many years ago. Relatively little people. Wish I'd brought my camera.

Went to this little suburb with narrow streets and small houses and had dinner at a peranakan restaurant. Wasn't too bad, and cheap too! Well. Nothing much else. I shall probably go for a haircut tomorrow, then maybe out to buy a pair of khaki cargo pants and then maybe dinner with friends. So much for getting my phone repaired.

Driving been on my mind a lot lately. Wish I had a car. Easier to go out at times, and can drive my friends around. Can't wait for next week's two lessons.

"...hope is a constant companion in this life. It is the one thing that neither cruel nature, God, nor other men can wrench from us. Health, wealth, parents, beloved brothers and sisters, children, friends, the past, the future-all can be stolen from us as eaily as an unguarded purse. But our greatest treasure, hope, remains. It is a sturdy little motor within, purring, ticking driving us on when reason would suggest surrender. It is both the most pathetic and noblest thing about us, the most absurd and the most admirable quality we possess, for as long as we have hope, we also have the capacity for love, for caring, for decency."

-Twilight Eyes, Dean Koontz

More later.

[UPDATE]
Back. Thursday. Did reccee in the morning till afternoon, came back to an earth-moving announcement. Thanks to H1N1, we're to be separated into two buildings. Half the company in each. Well that was interesting. What with all the newspapers calling it only the beginning of the Infection (ok I made the last part up) I expect we'll be staying there for a while. Because I'm in the half that's moved. =(

So I had to go to my bunk, pack up my stuff and bring it al the way over. Got there and realised I borught over some non-essential stuff. =.= So I lugged it back. Oh well, at least I now have a sense of what to bring home first when I ORD. LOL.

After upacking though, something happened. One of my guys accidentally hurt himself. During area cleaning. Apparently while adjusting the glass panels the thing broke and cut him quite deep. Got a medic, the whole shebang.

Got him to the med center, then I rode back in the land rover to grab someessential stuff before going back. Went to CGH. Seems a little risky to me, going to CGH at the start of the Infection. Haha. Oh well, I volunteered to bring him over. Not that I regreet anything of course.

Came back around 9 plus, close to 10. Watied quite a while. I just went straight to bed because of the run the next morning.

Friday. 12 km run. It's a miracle I didn't die. The farthest I've ever run was 5km. Now, it's a whopping 12km. Ack. Took 1 hour 52 mins. T_T Was a killer. 25 mins after, I had to bring my guys to help do stores. Then had to attend a meeting so I handed over command. Then another meeting. Then, some area cleaning. By the end of the day I was pretty beat. I also messed up some commands. But so darn tired. At the end of it all I had a headache, my legs hurt, and so did my arms. Overall fatigued. So was everyone else.

Was glad to book out. Stayed at home, waiting for time to pass. =\ Then went down to Cine to watch Transformers. It was epic. Damn cool. Enjoyed it. Cabbed home. Going out tmr. Think my aunt bringing my sis and I for dinner.

Didn't do much today. Came down in the morning to help out a bit. Spent most of the day reading in bed. Perfect weather for doing so. Cold and drizzly and overcast, a nice quiet environment, a nice cold bed. Life's pretty decent in here now. I just wish it were better...outside.

I just remembered what I wanted to post yesterday before it got wiped. It was what if my colleagues in here discovered this blog. Would they see the stark difference between the melancholy soul here and the merry soul that can't stop talking; can't stop cracking jokes, and can't stop that sheen of laughter? It's merely to cover up what comes out at night, to push it deep within me so it doesn't affect my everyday work. I see certain similarities between yours truly and Cuthbert, one of Roland's ka-tet in the Dark Tower novels.

Surely such negative feelings can't be good for me. I do try to raise myself above it all. But it feels right. Somehow. Even the smallest random things around enable me to make associations with those free-floating memories of the past. Anyway its just stupid messages, who wants to reply to them anyway?

I will be going to Boon Lay for reccee tomorrow. At least there's something to look forward to. A change of scenery for once. Ought to be interesting. Hoping to bring my novel along.

Blogger on my phone screwed up and wiped my post. I don't care. Piece of shit. Try again.

Today:
Where you going? Going home?
Go home lor.
Go home do what?
Go home. Facebook. Emo.
Ya. No friends right.
Ya. No friends.

No replies again. Did i expect more? Not really. I suppose everyone is too preoccupied with their lives. Not really their fault. No one wants to bother themselves with a simple dinner anyway.

When people used to ask me about going out, i would say everyone's busy. I suppose even i'm tired of that answer. Perhaps i shall try again in July.

Or maybe everyone is busy 24/7 that they can't spare any time at all. Their minds are occupied with other things. Unlike mine which wanders. I'm probably the last thing on not even there.

What to do? I wait. And hope.

Went driving on Sunday. Was much better. Stalled thrice. I was more focused this time. I know the cause now. On your second lesson, you all so used to the route you drive over and over that you just switch off and you start to zone out and forget stuff. Which is a waste of your money. You must keep focused, and tell yourself you came here to learn and improve, instead of fall into a predictable pattern.

Will learn right turn next week. Dunno if it is good. Lessons seem to be a little slow, or maybe I'm just firming up my foundations. =S Random thought: Despite my interest in movies, I have yet to watch a 3D movie. =.= What a disappointment. Didn't do much else on Sunday, but stay at home and read the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. It is positively addictive and keeps me hooked to the next page. Love it. On book 4 of 7 now. Halfway, and it is only Monday.

Didn't do much today. Wasn't much for us either. Nights out tomorrow. Dinner anyone?

At some level, aren't we all statistics?
-Twisted, Johnathan Kellerman

1000th. Yay. Hmph. What a turn-off. Originally we were going Butter Fact, then someone backed out at the last minute. Thursday to be precise. So some of the rest says they aren't going without him. He asks us to just go on, but you think that's going to happen? No. Plus, we planned this a few weeks in advance already. Then, my sec sch friends asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. How now?

So I asked them to confirm if they would or would not go. No one wanted to make a descision or confirm anything. Fantastic. There I am stuck in the middle of nowhere because someone threw a spanner into the works. I cannot confirm if I'm going BF, and in turn cannot confirm if I can watch the movie. So in the end I say I'm not going for the show. In the hope that the indecisive may change their minds.

Later on Thursday when we were discussing the isssue, someone asked me: Why do you care so much anyway, you're not even going.

No. =.= Was my reply.

No? I thought you going to watch movie already?

NO. =.=

-Look of shock-

=.=...

And today after bookout things finally get rolling. And nope, we're not going. Yay. Thanks to this mess up I officially screwed up all my plans for Friday. Luckily I managed to call YM and LUCKILY there was still an available seat next to the ones they booked. =.= Phew. So I went to watch The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3.

Enough with the griping I guess. Met up with YM at City Hall, and went to 7atenine at Esplanade. I borrowed the card from Jing Hui. Food was not bad. Though the serving slightly small. Tapas. That seems to be quite the trend. Dishes served at slightly lower prices in small quantities so you can try different things.

Though small, at least the food was not too bad and the presentation was excellent. I like the way the dishes were artfully prepared. Too bad I didn't bring my camera. It was like eating miniature works of art. Though kinda pricey. The bill came up to $160, and after using the privilege card, it came to $120, which works out to $40 per person. Which was a tad extravagant, if you ask me(Note that this is AFTER the $40 off). So...the prices are a little steep.

The movie was not too bad, interesting, exciting, suspenseful, with a bit of humor thrown in. Overall quite a good watch I guess. After that went to Gloria Jean's to drink and chat for a while before cabbing home. A whopping $17.70. T_T That reminds me. I mistook tomorrow for Sun...So I don't have driving in the morning. But I do have to return the card to JH by 6...

Safety spec for range. Alright, but tiring in it's own way. Nothing much there two days. Same old, same old. Tomorrow is a friday and possibly an early book out. Maybe going butter fact. Haha. One more week down. 999th post.

Didn't do much today. I realised I haven't eaten in 10 hours or so. Interesting. Somehow I managed to stave off hunger. I woke at 7 plus, and went for a briefing at 8. After it ended, I had some Oreos in bunk, then we tidied up the place because someone upstairs wanted to inspect it. We then made ourselves scarce and disappeared to Area 35.

Stayed there for quite a bit, until 12 or so before we finally made our way back to bunk. Then went to the company office for meeting. Sat there from 1245 to 1 or so before our chair came. Got down to business. By the time we ended, it was 1540 or so. Left to go back. Turns out the someone upstairs stirred up an industrial-strength shit-storm. Practically the whole company came down to clean up the whole area.

Then, area inspection from someone upstairs too, but not as high up as the first one. Dragged all the way till 5 plus. So much for a projected book-out of 1600... I think that just like any natural disaster, after the industrial-strength shit-storm there must be aftershock(s). Then we had to go through the mystical protracted process of booking out, which involves:

The Twilight Zone - When no one knows anything and no one says anything. RO timing is not given and no other info either; even though we have finished for the day. Everyone is just in limbo, doing nothing, waiting for it. 5mins-a few hrs.

Revelation - Someone realises we need to read the RO and gives the timing, usually a nice auspicious time ending in 00 or 30 or 15. So they give the time. The difference between this time and the current time is known as the buffer.

Buffer - In this time people will change/bathe/pack/all three (not at once). People will start filing down with their stuff and fall in. 20mins-1hr.

The Wait - Sometimes there are hiccups and theere are changes in the RO. Or the ROs are not ready. Or the CDS forgot to take the BRO. Or the CDO is late. They wait for it to be read. 5mins-30mins

Reading of RO - If it's long, maybe 20 mins. If short, 10 mins.

BOOK OUT!

My blog is approaching it's thousandth post in a sorry state. I wish it hadn't come to this. I will think of something to post.

I ask people out. Later, they're not free. I say, it's ok. Nvm. I always say that. The cycle repeats. It's ok. Nvm. Maybe long enough, people think that well, i don't matter. I'm always ok with it. I can take the lowest priority. Maybe this is why i can't find anyone to go out with.

Maybe i ought to scream and shout and throw a fit or something. Or maybe i'm just being selfish. Am i? I don't lose myself to emotions.

I always ask if maybe i am in the wrong or that maybe i could be swayed by them. Because right now it feels like nobody gives a shit. And i'm the lowest damn priority there is.

My facebook is all me, myself, and I. So is my handphone. So is my blog. Life is degenerating into a very simple state of existence.

Could it get better? I don't know.

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
by: Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of the easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

I was going to return my library books today, in addition to going for breakfast. Only when I got on the LRT did I realise the books were at home. =.= Went back to take them. Needless to say, was very annoyed. Went for driving. I forgot things this time. =.= don't know why. Same as XW, whose 2nd lesson was worse than the first one. Hopefully I'll remember more stuff next Sun. =.= Forgot to clutch fully and stuff. Died 8 times I think. Booking in later today. Weekend over. Sigh. Well, at least that's 1 week down. Spent 192.2 this week, of which 176 was on driving. So actually didn't spend much.

Duty yesterday. Ugh. Didn't get anything for it. Fugh. Slept quite a bit. Left for home this morning, changed and went for my driving lesson. Was very fun. Haha. I was kinda scared so I wanted to like give way to everything before logic kicked in as I had the right of way. Manual lets you do all the VROOM VROOM noises. Tomorrow another lesson. Heheh. Basically went a few rounds but it was fun. I finally got to drive a car today.

After that, XW picked me up and we went to PS to find ben. No good movies or good movie timings so we didn't watch. Went to Cathay, had Ben n Jerry's, went to PS, walked around a bit. Ben left at 430. Had dinner at LJS w/ XW, then followed her back to the car and then home on the train.

booked out today. The rest will be going for outcamp run. I got duty. I'll have to take over early because the current CDS is going for the run too. So I'll be booking in later tonight. =( Also they get to leave at 10 or so while I'm on suty. Sigh. =S Well, it's not too bad. I won't actually affect my weekend much. After mu duty I'm going straight home to dump my clothes and then go for driving then go out with XW and ben, I guess.

Think I'm becoming more...mildly negative. Emo is too general a term. =( Where is the normalcy that I once foisted on to the world? Now I'm thinking that all they're seeing is the other me, not the tortured soul within. Causes? Maybe the post last week. Life is depressingly mundane. Haunted by ghosts of the past.

At the mess now. Today had OCCOC. Was DS but too busy helping out to do much. Oops. =X Video was cool. Haha. Quite a positive response. Emceeing, not so. I screw up royally. At one segment they did everything so quickly I had no idea where they were. Ugh. Can't be bother to say too much about it. Kinda tired. Sleepy. Had 2 beers just now.

I'm going home Thurs night, maybe come back that night cos I got duty on Fri till Sat. While the rest go out-camp run. Oh well...=S After that going Ubi for driving lesson, maybe throw my stuff at home. =) Then to meet XW and ben to go out! =) Yay! Haha. Quite packed. Looking forward to Butter Faxct next Sat? =) Got IPPT money this month. Whatta waste of it...haha...

.Haven't blogged in a while. Let's see. On sun went for lunch with my family at the metropole herbal restaurant again. It was good. After that went out with my cousins.

Didn't anticipate that i'd be going out, so i didn't bring my wallet. =.= usually we go home after such events. Went to central, walked around, then to vivo.

Couldn't agree on a movie, so we decided to go to jurgen's house to watch dvds. Rented Hot Fuzz and Coming Soon. Not very scary. Too bad It was rented out. Rushed home to pack and book in.

Monday was ok. Nothing much. Went to TampOne for nights out. Was quite alright. Walked around, had bubble tea. Very cheap nights out. $1.50 only haha. Today was ok, if not very hot. Helped out for the parade tomorrow.

Tomorrow may be kinda hectic. Got quite a bit of stuff to do. May go drinking. Hey, free beer. Lol.

Ladies and Gentlemen.[I gesture to my invisible audience] Good evening to all. Thank you for coming. And what shall I wax lyrical about tonight? You, whom I have conjured from my imagination to listen to my inane ramblings. You, with whom I lie to myself that the words I type here are of actually some importance in the Grand Scheme of Things, and that all my life is not meaningless.

That I am not actually a lonely creature in the desolate wastes of cyberspace, muttering to myself in my isolated corner. That I am not actually posturing to myself(I am, you know.) and trying to make myself feel import - scratch that. Wanted. Because I am not.

As I once stated, it's not the end of the world; the world can carry on fine without you, thankyouverymuch. Back on to the matter at hand. Today I muse about limbo. This horrible, horrible limbo that have trapped so many in its reach. Leaving them into a cesspool of misery and loneliness. This limbo lasts for almost two years.

Perhaps I write this in the hope that one day someone who reads this will understand our plight. And take pity, no, not pity. We don't need that. Only understanding. You see, while the rest of you go on your lives without a hitch, one section transitioning into another; we suffer, dragged into this necessary evil, our lives yanked to a screeching halt.

That strangling, choking out of life is a painful thing. You life suddenly revolves around two things. Your work in there and your weekends. Everything is put on hold. 24/5 your life is occupied with the various aspects of your duty with no physical escape. Your weekends; the life is choked out of them slowly, as others draw farther, their lives taken up by other demands, other tasks, other things. Things more important that you, that's for sure.

As I predicted and feared, this change would, and has come. No matter what, it has, to a certain extent. You no longer hold as much priority as you used to do. You interact and see others less. You are slowly withering like a plant without sunlight. As you die, you cling on to the few tendrils left for you to survive. The occasional outings, the random DVDS you rent, the movies in your computer, even the bullshit ones. Your music, your MSN, Facebook. Your old memories.

Relentless, this force of change is. All I can hope for is that it doesn't tear us apart. That may be too much to bear. We have spent too much time together. Does that even count for something these days? Do you still remember? Or have your minds been taken up by other more pressing, more present concerns? Do you understand the desolate landscape we live in? We cannot meet people. Our social lives are limited to the current pool we know before and no more. And when happen when that pool is drained? You do not have to be an introvert or lonely, it is imposed on you.

But then again you have your own lives to lead. Your own programs, you own events, your own camps, your own friends. Your ever-expanding social circle. All we ask is that perhaps, sometimes, you spare some time for us. Maybe when you're bored, a friendly sms or call would help. I'm sure we would gladly make the time if possible. Surely you can't be busy ALL the time?

It's ironic that even now when you're supposedly 'free', you're not. Somehow, somewhere there always has to be something. Sometimes, I don't even get replies to my SMSes. Needless to say, I don't really even think about calling. Busy busy busy, are we? I guess you are and I understand that. But really, all the time? Or maybe I just cannot let go. It is time to move on? I don't want to use that word. It sounds too...final. But maybe I'm wrong and you all have. Moved on. I mean.

FUCK. Why do I even bother when no one reads this in the first place.

Look. Ok. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe in this case emotions have clouded my judgement and skewed my reasoning. I usually try to be very objective, but I could be wrong this time. This whole piece may just be biased, but it's similar to what I'm thinking. If it's messed up,tell me then. Because I just wanted to voice out my emotions for a while.

Why did I even bother typing the above when there's probably gonna be no response anyway. Just in case I suppose. Just in case my arse.

[UPDATE]
Ok maybe I shoulda gone to butter fact cos I am SERIOUSLY bored.

Think of it as saving money...
[/UPDATE]

"I'm sure of nothing."
"Yeah. Yeah, that's the human condition ain't it?..."

-Duma Key, Stephen King

Didn't do much today. Well, ok I did. Lol. It's become quite the habit of typing that. Morning segttled the chalet thing. Been meaning to do that today. I didn't know you could book chalets with AXS machines. Slipeed my mind. Went all the way down to downtown east to be told my mum had to be there, but I could use an AXS machine. =\ Paid by NETS.

Got home, played RC, watched another episode of Star Wars. Episode IV to be exact. I also decided to hire Ben's driving instructor too. He sounds ok. I heard Sixu's one is good but she's on holiday. =\ Oh well. I hope it turns out ok. I've booked my first lesson to be next Sat afternoon. Yay! First time operating a 4-wheeled mechanical conveyance powered by an typically human inefficient internal combustion engine. It runs on explosions. =)

Ok. I finished Star Wars, now I dunno what to do. I've had enough of it for today. another movie? Not sure I feel like it. My new speakers are sweet. The bass beat from Eiffel 65's Blue is yummy. Joel asked me to go butter fact and I suppose part of me wants to, but the other part doesn't really feel like it today. =S

I still wish I'd been able to go mambo with them the other night, but today...think I'm not in the mood. Well, good to save money. Spent 200 on expenses this month. Plus I paid 202 for the chalet. And I withdrew 250 to pay off some stuff. Ca't rmb what. Oh all my money gone. >< Payday in 4 days. I'm probably safe now once I get past Sunday. And the chalet fees ought be able to be recouped. =) Money money money...

now the question lies as to what to do. Movies?

Some repay loyalty with faithlessness, and give no thought to their own final hours when they might have to ask another to grant them the mercy that they withheld from those who trusted them.

-The Darkest Evening of the Year, Dean Koontz

But it cannot be denied.

Didn't do much today. Went to apply my PDL. Finally. =.= Still irritated that I couldn't do it when I took my FTT. And the instructor I've been procrastinating to call is on holiday. =.= Looks like after I finally got things rolling, they're getting slowed down by event not in my control. Well, not entirely.

Watched plenty of TV today. Finished A Series of Unfortunate Events and I Am Legend and Snakes on a Plane and then Ghost Rider. Cable TV helps to pass the time.

Platoon cohesion today went there straight after duty. David took over late. =.= I left at 0815. I reached at 1005. I was actually 1 hour and 20 mins late because of waiting 20 mins for 103 and the super long bus ride.

LAN gaming. Not exactly my thing. Oh well, since everyone wants it...plaed Battlefield 2 for a while. On the bright side at least I wasn't the last. Lol. Then went for lunch. It wasn't great. The service wasn't very good either. Some chicken rice. =.= Then after that we went to play Left 4 Dead. Haha. I plaed until I had my fill. Tried to play Command and Conquer.

Very confusing, compared to my last experience with the series, which was Red Alert 2 in secondary school. Still not my thing though. Basically the only game I play now is Restaurant City. =.= And the only game with any appeal for me now is L4D, and I hardly play that. Jing Hui was approached by a promoter and bought a privilege gard for the restaurant 7atenine. Sounded interesting. I borrowed it from him, see if anyone wants to go for dinner over this weekend.

[UPDATE]
OMG FML of the day:
Today, I was cleaning my father's study room and wondering why I did not receive my acceptance/rejection letter from a college I really wanted. I found the acceptance letter, on his desk, also approving of a full scholarship. The deadline to confirm was a month ago. FML

...
[/UPDATE]

Today was my pioneers' POP date. It was quite fun. Oh but the drill at their entrance was OMGWTFBBQ effed up. T_T Cui. Oh well, the rest of it went off quite smoothly, thanks to our rehearsals. I made 2 mistakes. Accidentally mis-pronouncing someone's surname and omitting an 'a' from a sentence. Other than that it was fine. Today was really hot. I lost of lot of water. During my time at the console I drank like 3 cans of peach-flavoured carbonated water. Cheap stuff but nice. Lol.

I'm on duty tomorrow when everyone's doing their team-building session. Well I got 1 off for it. Saving that off for chalet. Haha. On Thurs will be going for platoon cohesion. Maybe straight after duty. Hmm...speaking of chalet, maybe I'll go sort out some details with Ben soon. Gonna go book in tomorrow morning.